Nightswimming deserves a quiet night

We’ve been without a director for the last 6 months or so. It’s been tough. We have a fantastic team and we work well together, but in the end this limbo state is wearing on all of us. It’s particularly tough heading in to the academic year when having a director is most critical. We vacillate between wanting to change things we dislike most and resisting the urge because it might all be undone as soon as the position is filled. The uncertainty is brutal. And there are days when doubt creeps in and makes you wonder if this is how it’s always going to be. We know it’s not. But it doesn’t stop us from fearing it is. 

  
Someone posted this on social media recently and it resonated with me. There’s been a lot of treading and keeping my head above water that some days I need a reminder I DO like librarianship. Today is one of those days I need to remember to just keep swimming. 

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By the numbers

Other people may put out the best of lists for the year, here’s my year end wrap up:

TOTAL BOOKS READ: 45
Once again, failed 52 books in 52 weeks. The most I’ve ever read is 46 so this isn’t so bad. Except I took a 2 month hiatus there for awhile.

TOTAL PAGES READ: 10,085
I read a lot of graphic novels and listened to a lot of audiobooks so that number seems skewed.

BOOK CLUBS STARTED: 1

BOOKS I READ BECAUSE OF BOOK CLUB: 5

TOTAL NUMBER OF SHOWS SEEN: 8
This is including two comedians and a scientist. Music took a backseat to other stuff this year.

BAND I’VE SEEN THE MOST: none
This might be the first year in a really long time where I didn’t see a band more than once. Let’s be honest, that’s because Frightened Rabbit didn’t tour.

TOP 10 BANDS I’VE LISTENED TO THIS YEAR

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Note that audiobooks took two of the top 10 spots.

SONGS I’VE LISTENED TO THE MOST
I am somewhat embarrassed to admit it was Taylor Swift’s “Blank Space”. She was definitely my guilty pleasure this year. It also shows just how little music I was tracking on last.fm. It doesn’t capture how much vinyl I’ve been listening to

BLOG DRAFTS CREATED BUT NOT PUBLISHED: 3

BLOG DRAFTS CREATED IN MY HEAD BY NEVER MATERIALIZED
oh so many.

BLOG POSTS THAT CAME TRUE: 1

I had a pretty effin great end of 2014.

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Talking sh*t about a pretty sunset

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This summer has blown.

School starts in a week. I’m hoping that a new year will bring with it a new attitude.

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100 happy days

For the last few months I have been a grumplesaurus rex to be around. Work stress + life stress + miserable weather has left me very cranky. I was hoping once the cold weather and snow lifted that so would my mood. But alas it has not.

I came across a post with the hash tag #100happydays. I followed it back and found there’s a campaign currently happening to promote happiness.

I thought perhaps in order to cheer myself up and remind myself to enjoy the tiny moments that I should sign up to participate. Most posts will be via twitter but I wanted to explain my posts for the next 100 days.

A long time ago I participated in a 365 picture project so I see this as an extension of that. I already convinced a friend who has also found herself in the blues to join me in the project. Day 1 and I already got to see a pretty amazing sunrise via text.

Join us and show off what makes you happy.

Day 1

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The great Facebook experiment

I didn’t set out to do a Facebook experiment, but that’s what happened.

On New Year’s Eve 2012, I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I wasn’t doing what I wanted for NYE and I really didn’t want to see what others were doing without me. So I decided to unplug for a bit so as not to compare my life with theirs. But it turns out, I really liked my time away from fb.  It was tough at first, but soon I forgot I even had an account and realized I didn’t care what others were posting on there either.

An entire year passed without me being on the site. I would periodically log in thinking I had missed something, but after five minutes I’d realize what a waste it was and deactivate my account again.

facebookWhat started out as a way of avoiding something, turned in to a far more interesting experiment, however. What I learned was that I had been an initiator of 90% of social interactions with certain friends. I felt it to some degree before, jokingly labeling myself “social director”, but I didn’t have any real evidence of such. But when I left Facebook, my friends left me. Texts lessened, IMs halted, and in-person hangouts stopped all together. Apparently if they didn’t see me post inane details of my life in a public forum, I ceased to exist in their consciousness. In fairness, I found myself not thinking about some of these people, too.

This year off gave me some time to re-evaluate who and what I needed in my life. I was able to branch out, meet new people, and make new friends. I hit some major adult milestones in the last year, but I shared them privately and not in social media. I am sad some of my old circle has not been able to share in my excitement. But that’s part of growing up, isn’t it?

Friends float in and out of your life whether you want them to or not. I mourn some of those lost friendships, but realized some probably needed to go. I’ve been a lot happier this last year than I have been in ages. Coincidence? Probably not.

 

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What you once were isn’t what you want to be any more

I used to listen to this song. A lot.

If last.fm had been around at the time, my stats would look a lot different than they do now. It would have Wilco at the top of my most played list, and this song in the number one position.

I wish I could say I was listening to it for good reasons, but alas, that was not the case. Nine years ago, I found myself playing this on repeat on my drive to and from work. I had a job I hated, a career I loathed, and a me I despised. This was the soundtrack for the miserableness that was my life then.

I kept focusing in on the line “What you once were isn’t what you want to be any more”. It was optimistic to me which is exactly what I needed at a time when things looked so bleak. Jeff Tweedy seemed to be telling me what I was dealing with right then didn’t have to be my fate forever. I figured if I listened to him say it enough I might start believing it.

Some time after, I chose to make a change. I gave up my job, moved away, went to grad school, and became a new me and boy am I happy I did.

That said, I’ve been feeling the itch to listen to this song again on infinite repeat. While the situations are vastly different (I love my job, career, etc), there’s still this itch that hasn’t quite been scratched. Something that still needs to be changed to make me happy.

I noticed recently that every seven years or so I have what I would call a life-altering year. 2000 sparked a good five-year run of ridiculousness of the best kind. 2007 (despite ending terribly) marked a start of a lot of new friendships for me. If the pattern remains, I would say I’m due for another year full of positive change.

So maybe my Jeff Tweedy theory was right. If I listen to this song enough I can escape my fate. *crossing my fingers*

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Great expectations, we had the greatest expectations

Here’s the thing about work, there are rules and protocols that people need to follow. Here’s the thing about dating, none of those rules and protocols apply.

You see a job posting and criteria for the position. You have an outline and expectation for what the opening entails. In short, you sort of know what you’re getting yourself in to.

Keep-Calm-and-Lower-Your-Expectations1Dating is nothing like that. Initially, you have little idea what the other person expects. Are they looking for short term dating or something long lasting? Are they wanting a friend or something more? Rarely do you have any sense of what you’re getting yourself in to.

Upon being chosen for a position, your employer expects a level of loyalty they may or may not have earned yet. That level of loyalty in dating initially would creep out any person.

Work provides feedback of how you’re doing. Whether it’s a yearly review or just positive remarks on a job well done, you usually have some sense of how well you’re doing.

Dating should have positive feedback when your mate appreciates something you do. But that doesn’t always happen. And yearly reviews would be ridiculous (although periodically hearing things like “I’d appreciate if you’d make dinner more” would probably do wonders for most relationships).

Some days I think I would function better if dating were more business like. Would relationships be more successful if they followed that method?

I’ve been watching a show called Sister Wives which follows how one man and four women function in a plural marriage. Whatever your opinion on plural marriage, it’s interesting to see how they deal with the challenges of every relationship times four. They struggle with expectations and communication much like any other relationship.

This past season they worked to create a family mission statement. The idea being like a mission statement for any business – something to remind people the goals and expectations so they can remain focused on it.

I don’t know if this model is more fitting for a traditional marriage or those that have multiple parties invested in its success. But perhaps more marriages would survive if husbands and wives laid down their expectations before getting together.

But what if people were to lay out those expectations before deciding to date. Would people ever get together if they knew what the other was expecting?

I’ve sat on this post for a couple of months now, unable to figure out how to end it. My previous job paralleled my last serious relationship in that both were pretty emotionally abusive. Since taking my more recent job, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking how much it’s like dating a new person.

There are days when I think I have both under control and then other times when I wish they operated like I expected. But how effin boring would it be if they both went as planned?

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